I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
