So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
