is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
