I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Randomize
