If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
