i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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