You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
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