i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize