I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
