Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
