My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize