Taylor Swift is so right about you.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize