My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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