wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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