i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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