hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
