Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Randomize
