Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
