We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
