I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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