I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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