We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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