youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
