I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
