apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
