I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize