Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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