when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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