Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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