Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Randomize
