Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
she pinky promised me she was 18
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
