Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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