i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
