i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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