How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
