college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
