i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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