i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
