So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
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