Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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