Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
