today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Randomize
