that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
