Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
being pregnant is like rehab
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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