You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
