drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
