Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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