she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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