I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
