Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
