In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
