then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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