You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
