it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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