dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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