I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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