i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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