What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize