Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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