Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize