I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
