she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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