i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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