Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
this beer tastes like vomit already
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
