please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
