onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
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