Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
