I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
All the doctor said was why
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
